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I'm looking for backers for my new product, the Silkatron 2000. It's a coin-operated, animatronic Leading Counsel with several programmable voices (Brian Sewell, Joanna Lumley or, when in the provinces, Alan Bennett). It only works in courts with good wifi, however when connection is lost it spools through a pre-programmed series of classic Leading Counselisms ('Will you excuse my back?') while it reboots and buffers. It requires mains electricity, but does not require Château d'Yquem.

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