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To all my fellow solicitors staring morosely into their computer screens, eating their tasteless M & S quinoa based lunch, where did we go wrong??

I'm a 40 year old lawyer. I blame Harry Hamlin myself. He looked so good looking in LA Law, and the lady lawyers were gorgeous. One day, I thought, I'll be a lawyer like Harry and date fine women like that. Now, as I stare at the flaking walls of my cell/office, or endlessly refresh the BBC News site for any new article, I think to myself "I'm supposed to be clever, how did it end up like this??".

I can't do anything else. I'm rubbish at everything. I can't even change a plug. The different wires confuse me. Everyone just asks me for money all the time. I can't even get laid by my wife unless I pay the school fees first. And if I walk out, I won't have any money to pay for escorts either.

I think my clients are mostly selfish & morally bankrupt. Being smiley and gregarious around such people becomes ever difficult by the day. At this point, I need Olivier-esque acting skills to pull it off - the smile morphs into a scowl within 5 femtoseconds.

Can anyone suggest a way out that doesn't involve carbon monoxide?

Kindest regards x