Report comment

The best thing all round is to build a season's celebration focused around putting the firm's strategic vision front and centre, showcasing the core values of the business going forward.

For example, team-build a large wicker container, perhaps shaped like a male person. Those whose diverse skills do not allow physical involvement can be encouraged or required to contribute to the goal by chanting rhythmically the names of the management board (think Vikings / Iceland football supporters). Build to a crescendo, preferably frenzied, whilst visioning the paradigm and performing a mime that lives the brand.

While this is happening, place an effigy of the senior partner IN the wicker man. Members of business support, especially business development staff, can also be thrown onto the implacable conflagration. Marketing types in particular will add a splash of pyrotechnic brilliance as their volatile, lighter (or emptier) than air skillsets explode with a thrilling flash of superficially bright colour, illuminating the delirious faces of the chanting homeworkers (remember them?).

As the immolation reaches a pleasant climacteric, encourage those whose performance lamentably lags behind favourite KPIs to cast themselves into the raging firestorm. Alternatively they may wish to advance to alumnae status via the alternative career path/ chute and can commit to doing so publicly. Partners may encourage them to do so by inappropriate gestures or assaults.

For food, if Nando's cannot accommodate the whole of the team (including the half- remembered non-fulltimers) and the fire, consider a tent on the common. Keep seasonal cake non- GM and vegan friendly. Insist that Secret Santa presents are nevertheless mindful of cultural sensitivities and non-protected characteristics: fat, hairy and ugly staff don't need to be reminded of these irremediable flaws.

While waiting to give evidence at the tribunal, take time with your partners to plan next year's bash, perhaps themed around 'the futility of trudging penguin life as a metaphor for driving the strategy forward while beset by ravening seals".