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I always enjoyed the Peter Simple column

Anonymous22 March 2014 11:23 am has inspired a modern version, I shall call it Peter Simples.

Cocklecarrot LJJ.

"Good morning, Mr Alexander Alexandrovich Oligarchov you seem to have done very well for yourself. My old Etonian friend Mr Stick-Me-On- Your-Board MP says you might like to buy the British Court system to run because these public sector johnnies are not efficient. I always think it is good to break the ice. Oxford or Cambridge?

AAO

"Me go to Oxford and Cambridge."

C LJJ

"Excellent, what colleges."

AAO

"All of them."

C LJJ

"Really, you must be an outstanding academic."

AAO

"No, I don't interested in studying. It don't make the cash. I go to these colleges on day trip."

C LJJ

"Oh? What, therefore, has led to your interest in the Elysian Fields of the law."

AO

"Where are these fields? MP friend not mention them. Can we build on them? Do you arrange planning permission and make billions like Candys"

C LJJ

"The Elysian Fields are part of Greek myth"

AO

"I'm not buying property in Greece. It very dangerous. Keep your fields."

C LJJ

"The Royal Courts of Justice need some investment. English law is perfect but the infrastructure is sadly dilapidated. After all " Et in Arcadia Ego.""

AO

"Ah, you want me build shopping arcade in court. Great idea."

C LJJ

"No, it was a classical reference. It means that whilst things might be perfect we must always remember death."

AO

"Oh Yees. I remember aluminium wars where I make my fortune. Perfect opportunity and lots and lots of death."

C LJJ

"You were born in a communist country. All that solidarity. you must have enjoyed walking to school with your socialist comrades."

AO

"Yes, I enjoy walking to top party school on a Friday when my father's chauffeur have day off. Father was Colonel Oligarchov of KGB and had Volga with driver."

C LJJ

"I think you will find our English legal system a great investment. It is a Rolls Royce service and totally untainted by corruption."

AO

"You joking. Very funny. Where is price list for judges decision and how get round all laws, like at home."

C LJJ

"You are a wit, Mr Oligarchov. Of course, a few solicitors are a bit bent. One tried to overcharge £10 on a budget the other day. I have reported him to the SRA and of course and he'll be struck off. I had to sentence one solicitor who helped launder £2000 last year. He got 9 years."

AO

"He sound complete amateur and probably not understand useful trust account offshore."

C LJJ

" Yes, I'm glad you understand that the solicitors profession are amateurs and the bar are the professionals. We will enjoy doing business. I must introduce you to my brother judges but Mr Orligarchov, "O tempora o mores", things are not what they were."

AO

"Who these Spanish judges Tempora and Mores. I only interested in English system.

C LJJ

"It is another classical allusion and means "Oh the times, oh the morals."

AAO

"I don't want to buy newspaper, The Times and I not interested in Spanish judge called Morals, I told you this. Goodbye."

C LJJ

"Goodbye and please be sure to consider our offer in detail."

AAO

"If I want make offer, I make you offer you can't refuse. Goodbye"

C LJJ

"Very funny. very funny, indeed."