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MoJ and HMCTS do not write in English; they prefer a language called B*llocks which uses mostly the same words as English and has a broadly similar syntax, but somehow a sentence never means the same thing as it does in English. For example: "We are making good progress with this programme" means "We are succeeding in closing courts and reducing services in the ones we have not [yet] closed: but we are failing dismally in making the centralised offices work adequately and as for the wifi systems at court, don't let's go there".

We all have to be fluent in this new language and soon some enterprising publisher will market a textbook: Teach Yourself B*llocks.

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