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Hmmm...………...the basic problem why solicitors get it in the neck over money laundering, while banks can be taking payments in kilos of cocaine is that we are too mean to invest in the sort of largesse that wins politicians over.

Somewhat tongue in cheek, may I suggest the following:

A levy of a £1000 per practising certificate for a "Hearts and minds campaign" would yield a fighting fund of about £150 million. A lot of super yachts are available for charter. Ditto private jets. We don't want to do anything vulgar like the banks, and politicians have to be seen to be squeaky clean, so no gold encrusted duck houses. We have to be more subtle.

How about offering to take parliamentarians to see refugee camps in Somalia? The private jet takes them out to the Indian Ocean where they embark on the yacht for a week of extensive briefing on poverty in Africa. Five chefs and a steward per person will ensure that they have plenty of time to consider the issues. All Premier Cru wines are vegetarian, so there are no ethical problems.

Personal needs will be taken clear off by "staff" provided by that firm in London who do a lot of work for "working girls" in Knightsbridge. The issue of legalising various drugs can be discussed over some samples, so that the legislators are fully apprised of the issues. Non vegetarians will love the chief chef's lark's tongue pate.

For health and safety reasons, it will not be practical for our guests to actually go to Africa, but they will be shown a map of Somalia (and if necessary a map showing where Africa is) and a five minute video, so that they can answer press questions upon their return. There will be a brief stop over at an island, where intern wannerbe solicitors will lay pitifully on the ground, and parliamentarians can be filmed giving them food and water.

Arriving home, looking suitably ill after continuous sex, drugs and drinking, they will be able to convince the media and their constituents that the fact finding mission was harrowing, but worthwhile.

Half a dozen such trips and the solicitors profession will be immune from attack - particularly if we have cameras behind the mirrors!