A defence solicitor's lot is traditionally a truly human one, with the full breadth of life's joys and sorrows presented daily, often within the colourless confines of a police interview room. Most defence solicitors can name some local characters they have represented, a few of whom they may even like. But the Gazette's current favourite 'representee' is Simon Eastwood of Puncknowle in West Dorset, for his joyous inability to stay within the bounds of mealy-mouthed copper-speak - or even modern English.


After being arrested for 'disorderly behaviour and an assault on a policeman', according to the Dorset Echo, Mr Eastwood 'quoted Shakespeare throughout his police interview' and 'needed to be told continually by his solicitor to be quiet' so the prosecutor could outline her charges.



Ms Dytham, prosecuting, said that in interview Eastwood described himself as 'a human animal that would have kicked out at anyone - even a police officer'. Eastwood allegedly even interrupted his solicitor's mitigating address, saying he had 'given up the demon cider'.



But the facts, as recorded, often obscure the human nature of the crimes at hand. Mr Eastwood's solicitor, Ian Brazier, told the Gazette that 'the whole interview was just hilarious', but stressed that his client is an erudite man who lives mostly by candlelight, and is also suffering the deleterious effects of sheep dip poisoning.



In the police interview itself, Mr Eastwood was not to be rushed, harking back to days of yore, when people wore hats and cloaks, and had attention spans measured in whole minutes. When asked what had happened on the day of the arrest, he answered in words from the time of Shakespeare (pictured) and Dryden, and commenced his oration by describing the fire he lit outside at five-thirty in the morning on which to prepare his breakfast.



How long the officers had to wait before his elegant prose

reached his point of arrest that evening is unknown. We await the transcript...