Simon Cowell is determined to bag the Christmas Number One, after splashing out £1m to record five different winners’ songs for X Factor contestants. However, the bullish impresario now has a formidable rival, in the unlikely form of Norwich solicitors Hatch Brenner. Partner Mark Fitch has written and recorded a ‘motowny’ but contemporary pop song – complete with backing singers The Stilhouettes – promoting, ahem, the use of mediation to settle disputes. The firm has also turned That’s Mediation into a pop video being streamed on YouTube.

The ditty proceeds thus: ‘You’re in a dispute, it’s not of your making, he’s made you look like a clown/That once trusted friend has been trying your patience, and there’s no way you’ll back down/To your hired gun, is where you go first, who cares what it costs you’ve got to make him pay or worse/But in your own mind, admitting to no one, you’re not so sure of yourself/The deals that you’d done, forgetting the last one, had brought you pleasure and wealth. But how do you wipe, the battle lines drawn, how do you repair the trust that’s broken, slashed and torn?’ And on to the chorus:

‘That’s Mediation, confidential, fast and cheap/That’s Mediation, binding outcome you can keep.’

Noddy Holder he ain't, but it’s a game effort nonetheless. We’ll look out for Mark and the Stilhouettes on Christmas Day Top of the Pops.