'A ton and a half of mung beans for the leg injury.

I'll take instructions.' Phillip put the phone down and smiled.

It was always good to get a decent settlement in a personal injury action.

Mind you, settlements were complicated now that everyone was into barter and local exchange trading schemes.It had all started when barrister Peter Gray had agreed to be paid in currency from an LETS.

Members of the scheme were paid for their services in the local currency, for instance 'tales' in Canterbury, or 'olivers' in Bath.

Mr Gray had offered his advocacy services at the very reasonable rate of 40 tales per hour, but to preserve the proprieties had insisted on being instructed through a solicitor.Quite right too, thought Phillip, scratching the itch caused by his goat hair underpants which had been such a good buy at just three tales.

It had not taken long before the entire legal profession had joined a scheme, with criminal clients still traditionally using the car radio as their unit of currency.The number of different currencies was a problem.

Barristers preferred the 'sneer' while solicitors tended to use the 'moiety'.

There were disputes over exchange rates.

The Bar claimed the sneer was backed by accumulated wisdom and expertise and one sneer was worth 12,000 moieties.

Barristers' chambers were allowed to print their own sneer notes; a high speed web offset machine had rapidly become the favourite item of cha mbers equipment.

Many chambers had a printing capacity greater than the Weimar Republic.Despite being backed by the Bar, the sneer suffered from limited convertibility and many a barrister returned unsuccessfully from the off-licence despite taking a wheelbarrow full of high denomination sneers.To save arguments about exchange rates, many lawyers preferred to use a barter system.

There was nothing new in this: for many years, Phillip's father received clothes from his tailor in return for conveyancing.

The system had broken down when Phillip's father had found that a conveyancing transaction only bought a pair of Polish mock twill trousers made out of recycled carrier bags.In the early days of the bartering system there had been some mistakes.

It was one thing to get clients to accept their damages in mung beans, it was another to be paid in them.

Phillip winced as he thought of the time he took two sacks of beans home.

The airing cupboard was given over to sprouting beans while the family lived on beansprouts for six weeks.

The bathroom had been rendered uninhabitable and the experiment only ended when his doctor misdiagnosed the whole family as suffering from dysentery.Now he was much more careful in what he took as payment, especially after the embarrassment when the fee from the local sex shop had been divided among the partners.

John had struggled to get the top off what he thought was a thermos flask while the others watched in horror.Everyone else was being cautious.

Gone were the days when you could get away with sending HM Customs and Excise 17.5% of your gone-off goat's milk.

Even the Legal Aid Board insisted that it would no longer accept payment of the retentions in manure after an unfortunate experience with a West Country solicitor and a muckspreader.

The Lord Chancellor reported that he was having problems getting judges to wear kaftans instead of robes despite dyeing them red.The itching from Phillip's goat-hair underpants grew worse.

As with everything else, you got what you paid for.

He had intended to ask the insurance company to pay his costs in tofu.

He would throw in a demand for a tub of seaweed skin soother as well.