Seafaring just isn't what it was.

'There I was, minding my own business, as my 18th century-style Man-of-War ship, The Grand Turk, docked in Newcastle, when we were invaded by this rag-tag bunch of property lawyers and clients.

"What the dickens?" I cried.

"No," said this partner chappie Ian Ward [right], "we're from Dickinson Dees." They soon overwhelmed us and the Ward fellow started playing with my compass.

I gave him a hard stare, I can tell you.

And then, before I knew it, this ruffian Paul Barrow [left] of Alfred McAlpine Homes had his hands all over my telescope, the cheek of it.

"It's all in a good cause", they said.

"The National Trust's campaign to save the eroding coastline.

And we've handed over 2,000 for the privilege of being here." I wanted to make them walk the plank, the cheeky so and sos, but my on-ship legal adviser said nobody would take me seriously with a hat like this.'