Stocking fillers to satisfy every solicitor in 2002

Television licenceThe upside to England being drawn in the World Cup's so-called Group of Death is that they might be knocked out quickly, dampening down staff interest in the event.

Either way, with games taking place throughout June from 6.30am to 12.30pm, any sensible employer will wheel a television into a meeting room and allow staff to watch some games.

It's got to be better than them throwing sickies or going down to the pubs which have opened specially.

And who knows - put on breakfast and you may even get them in early.

A letting agentThis is one for the bigger law firms.

It probably seemed like a good idea in the boom times to furnish your offices with in-house bedrooms for the lawyers pulling all-nighters.

But with the flood of corporate deals down to a trickle and the office empty by 6pm, open up a whole new income stream by letting out the bedrooms.

A six-month contract should do - things might be looking up by the third quarter.

ArtWhat respectable law firm in 2002 can do without its own art collection? Offices all over the country have them now.

It gives some of the more useless partners something to do and also makes you look like a hip and happening, yet rather cultured, firm.

But don't spend too much - your clients might not appreciate subsidising that Monet.

Saatchis' telephone numberThis year, we've seen law firms ratcheting up their marketing: Rowe & Maw's name flashing up on hoardings during the Greece v England football game in June stands out, as does Norton Rose forking out 1 million to become a subsidiary sponsor of rugby's Heineken Cup.

So how about, next year, 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire, sponsored by Slaughter and May', or 'Only Fools and Horses, sponsored by the Trainee Solicitors Group', 'EastEnders, sponsored by Allen & Overy (Spitalfields branch)', or even 'The UEFA Champions League Final, sponsored by James Chapman & Co' (as it's the only way senior partner and Manchester United director Maurice Watkins will get to go to the game).A plane ticket to Ulaan BaatarEverywhere else already teems with English solicitors on the look-out for a new market, so there are few places left where an adventurous firm can open an office and say 'we wuz first'.

A video of '12 Angry Men'Lawyers will soon be unable to plead an exemption from jury duty.

It could be a salutary experience to view your professional colleagues from the jury box and then find out what the public thinks of them from the jury room.

Then again, the good news about the attack on jury trials is that the odds of being called for duty go down.

StreamersWith several firms cancelling Christmas parties for cost-cutting and terror-related reasons, give staff a DIY party kit.

This could include streamers, poppers (they are always so funny), an ABBA CD, a voucher for three glasses of house wine (partnership draws are down, after all), a photo of a hairy chest competition, and a tape of a drunken partner slurring, 'I'm staying in a hotel tonight.

My room number's 123 if you fancy joining me'.

A new nameWith the rules on law firm names now almost totally liberalised, isn't it time to be a bit more imaginative? Forget Clifford Chance.

How about We're Bigger Than You, So There Solicitors? Thompsons or Trade Unions R Us? National criminal law firm Tuckers could easily show how tough it is, while Landwell could choose anything and it would be an improvement.

But then we run up against London firm Moon Beever.

Hard to top, really.

Voucher for the Priory ClinicShould recession really hit, it's time to crack open the bubbly and step up the corporate hospitality to attack clients.

And if the parties, lunches, dinners, all-night bars and lap-dancing clubs gets too much, the Priory is an excellent place to dry out, we are told.

And it can probably be set off against tax.

A tailored Saville Row suitLet's be honest - senior partners trying to look relaxed in polo shirts? It's not pleasant.

And it's not as if there are any dot.com clients left to impress by how cool you are.

In a year's time, dress down will be totally pass.

Pinstripe will be the new chino.