'Damn Harry Woolf,' muttered Mr Justice Blowlamp savagely as he wiped the spittle from his face and studied the chaos that was his court.

Three ushers fought to restrain the libel plaintiff as the defendant grappled with the plaintiff's McKenzie friend.One of the ushers managed to sit on the head of the plaintiff only to leap off suddenly, clutching himself in a way that indicated that he had acquired a substantial personal injury claim.It was all Lord Woolf's fault for recommending fast track pro cedures.

In Blowlamp's view, making suggestions to a government bereft of ideas was downright irresponsible.

The government had enthusiastically introduced the Defamation Act to allow swift disposal of small defamation claims.

The intention was to allow politicians to get damages more quickly -- a form of lottery instants without having to buy a scratch card first.

In reality it had opened the courts to a host of minor libel cases that under the old system would never have got beyond the first demand for money on account.The usher, a man in his late 50s, was still clutching himself with one hand while signing a conditional fee agreement with the other.

He was telling his solicitor that he had set his heart on having more children.

Meanwhile, the plaintiff and defendant continued their dispute with scant regard for the Supreme Court Rules or the Geneva Convention.Blowlamp had foreseen these problems and had initially been reluctant to become a fast-track libel judge, but the word in the Temple was that the Lord Chief Justice had sounded out the Lord Chancellor on moving Blowlamp down to the county court.

When Blowlamp found that the clerk at 4 Ratty Buildings was offering odds of 7-4 on Blowlamp ending up as contact disputes judge in Batley, he realised that he had little choice and took the defamation job.It was a different world from a proper libel trial.

Here, Tracey Smith was suing Sharon Jones for writing 'Trasey is a fat slagge' on Tracey's wall.

The police, displaying more common sense than legal knowledge, had insisted it was a civil matter and urged her to bother the courts rather than them.Tracey had hastened to the Scragg Lane Legal Advice Centre and been issued with a McKenzie friend -- a Mr Fredo, whose knowledge of libel was less than that of Sharon's representative, her sister Doreen.

Blowlamp had at one stage suggested that Mr Fredo refer to the White Book, only to be accused of racism.

As Mr Fredo read extracts on consumer credit from County Court Practice to him, Blowlamp began to regret sarcastically suggesting to Mr Fredo that he use the Green Book because it was environmentally friendly.At least with counsel one stood a chance of directing them to the issues and, with a little prodding, even provincial barristers could be induced to keep to the point.

Here there was no chance.

Although Blowlamp was glad that he had not had to wade through 400 pages of pleadings, the handwritten pleadings in this case left him with little idea of what it was about and Mr Fredo's input had led to several confusing references to police brutality.However, from the number of young male witnesses to be called by Sharon, it seemed probable that the defence was one of justification.As things stood, the case was likely to last longer than the Maxwell trial.

Perhaps he had been hasty.

Dealing with contact disputes in Batley would be a fulfilling and worthwhile task.

But where was Batley? He reached for a gazetteer...