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Dear Mr Philip

I'm sorry to note that you don't appear to have enough to occupy your time usefully. Remind me of how much you're paid? Really? I wish I could earn that much, but then I'm only a conveyancing solicitor.

Now you've started, why not go the whole way? You could set up stocks in town centre squares, and any solicitor who'd made a pig's ear of anything in the last 12 months could have rotten tomatoes thrown at him. Sorry, that is of course sexist, her as well.

Is that your meerkat? It's sweet. Oh, it speaks Russian! Well, must go now, I've got a chain about to collapse.

Yours, etc.

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