Is there something about the courtroom – the gravitas of the surroundings, the adversarial ambience – that makes people’s minds (professionals included) turn to mush? Having stumbled across some of the amusing courtroom quotes collated by Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter, Obiter is beginning to wonder. Here are some snippets from her two books, Humor in the Court and More Humor in the Court:

‘Were you acquainted with the deceased?’ ‘Yes, sir.’ ‘Before or after he died?’–‘Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?’ ‘He was argumentative and he couldn’t pronounce his words.’ ‘What happened then?’ ‘He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me".’ ‘Did he kill you?’–‘Did he pick the dog up by the ears?’ ‘No.’ ‘What was he doing with the dog’s ears?’ ‘Picking them up in the air.’ ‘Where was the dog at this time?’ ‘Attached to the ears.’–‘How was your marriage terminated?’ ‘By death.’ ‘By whose death was it terminated?’–‘The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it. You too were shot in the fracas?’ ‘No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.’–‘Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?’ ‘I will be three months on November 8th.’ ‘Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘What were you and your husband doing at that time?’–‘What is the meaning of sperm being present?’ ‘It indicates intercourse.’ ‘Male sperm?’ ‘That is the only kind I know.’–(Counsel to child witness) ‘Gary, all your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?’ ‘Oral.’ ‘How old are you?’ ‘Oral.’