Cast

Jackson: a doughty, hard-working lad.Widow Ken: his jazz-loving mum. Prone to dozing off.Highstreet: an elderly cow, mainstay of the farmyard. Greatly put-upon and underappreciated.Old Straw: a hermit.Tescolaw: a big, scary, mythical (?) ogre.Chorus: old Etonians, bankers, regulators, reality TV hosts, Sir David Clementi.

Act 1, scene 1: the Jackson family farm.

Widow Ken asleep on a green bench.JACKSON: Mother mother, wake up! Highstreet, our old milk cow, has run dry and laid a massive pat in the yard. Look what’s all over my shoes.

ALL: (Song, tune of Jolly Boating Weather): We’re all in this together/It’s sticky, we’ll admit/Living on the never never/And up to our knees in sh-.

WIDOW KEN (interrupting): Shift in attitudes, that’s what’s needed! We should be looking on this as an opportunity!

JACKSON: You’re so right, ma! I have just what we need - my plans for the reform of civil litigation. (Aside to the audience) Just watch her face when I whip this out!

WIDOW KEN: Oo-er that’s a thick one! And just when I wanted to sit back and enjoy my new Feetwarmers record. I know! Let’s trust in the market. Off you go, lad, take Highstreet with you - and mind you don’t speak to any strange men on the way.

Scene 2: The road to town.

JACKSON: Oh dear, Highstreet. I’m worn out with writer’s cramp - and I’m not even sure this road leads to the market.

OLD STRAW: Did I hear you say market? Why, I’m going that way myself. Tell you what, I’ll take the cow and give you this LSA bean in exchange.

JACKSON: Coming from you, that’ll be a HAS-bean! (Slaps thigh; awkward pause for laughter.)

JACKSON: (Aside, to audience) If you think that’s feeble, wait for the LSC’s next excuse for late settlement!

Scene 3, The farmhouse.

JACKSON: Wake up ma, I’ve sold the cow!

WIDOW KEN: Fabuloso. But what’s this? Just one bean. Off to bed, you useless boy!

(Chases Jackson off with a broom, throws bean out of the window and settles down with headphones and small cigar.)

Nightfall

A sprout appears in the garden, growing into a giant ABS

Act 2, scene 1. The farmyard. Enter Jackson.

JACKSON: I’m sure that wasn’t there last night! Ma! Come and take a look at this!

WIDOW KEN: Crikey! I haven’t seen one that big since Jeremy Clarkson gave the Lester Dedlock lecture on industrial relations.

(Jackson climbs the beanstalk.)

Scene 2: The ogre’s castle.

JACKSON: So this is how the other half live.

(He inspects crocks of gold coins, labelled ATE, Uplift, referral fees, bonuses etc.) OGRE (off): Fee fi fo, fee fi, fo.

JACKSON: Did he say ‘fee?’ I don’t like that one bit! (Grabs a bag and slides down the beanstalk.)

Scene 3: at the foot of the beanstalk.

JACKSON: Look at this, ma! We’re rich at last - this goose lays golden eggs. Adopt it in its entirety, mother!

OGRE: Fee fi fo fum, I smell the blood of a whiplash victum.

JACKSON: Oh no, it’s Tescolaw the ogre! He’s coming to get us.

OGRE (aside): Don’t worry children, I’m just a figment of the imagination of protectionist scaremongering stick-in-the-muds!

CHORUS: Oh no he isn’t/Oh yes he is!

JACKSON: Quick ma, wake up and get the chopper!

WIDOW KEN: Oh, couldn’t we just postpone it for two years? (Yawns) I was just getting down with this Coltrane solo.

JACKSON: There’s not a moment to lose! Ah, here’s my trusty McNally! (Chops down beanstalk. Chaos ensues.)

Scene 4: The farmyard, after the dust has settled.

JACKSON: Well that’s certainly levelled the playing field. Now, children. Let’s embrace the comprehensive package of reforms - and party!

(Enter an elderly gent with suspiciously luxuriant hair.)

BRUCIE (for it is he): Nice to sue you, to sue you nice!

ALL: Hooray, it’s Strictly Come Litigating!

WIDOW KEN: Groovy! Ladies and gentlemen, please take your partners for the Quality Quickstep!

(A mad scramble as everyone desperately teams up with an unlikely partner.)

JACKSON: But what’s that smell? It can’t be... Highstreet! My, you’re looking smart with that new brand on your backside!

HIGHSTREET: That’s all very well, but where’s my secure career as a trusted local provider of publicly funded legal help to those who need it the most?

ALL: It’s behind you!

(Highstreet deposits a pat.)

CHORUS: (Song as before) We’re all in this together/But we don’t give a hoot/Though the farmyard’s deep in cowplop/The rich have wellie boots.

CURTAIN

*Parental advisory: contains strong references to the Legal Aid, Sentencing and Punishment of Offenders Act (please warn your parents).