JanuaryCity firm DLA Piper installs a multi-megawatt wind turbine atop its Noble Street office as part of scheme to cut carbon emissions to zero.

Election fever mounts.

FebruaryGordon Brown rules out early election.

Magic circle firm Clifford Chance submits planning application for tidal barrage in the Thames as part of a scheme to cut carbon emissions to less than zero.

MarchBudget. Chancellor announces New Deal for unemployed professional advisers.

Bar Council installs experimental electricity generator above meeting chamber, fuelled on ‘hyper-ambient surplus carbon air’.

Home secretary Jacqui Smith unveils plans to instal bugs and CCTV cameras in all private homes. ‘If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear,’ she assures civil liberties busybodies.

AprilNew financial year: 140,000 City lawyers face redundancy. JobCentre Plus launches training scheme to wean them off the habit of billing clients and asking the question ‘Would you like fries and a coke with that?’

Playboy announces it is setting up a multi-disciplinary partnership under the Legal Services Act. Subscribers to Playboy TV will receive a 50% discount on all conveyancing, probate and wills services. Magic circle firms hit back by offering their own branded adult TV channels and magazines.

Justice secretary Jack Straw proposes that human rights cases be decided in a purpose-built facility in the Channel Islands. The Sun dubs the scheme ‘Gueurntanamo’, while offering its enthusiastic support for the plan.

MayMay Day bank holiday renamed May Day non-bankers’ holiday. All bankers invited to work the day unpaid, saving the Exchequer a fortune because nowadays they all work for the state anyway.

Election fever mounts.

JuneJack Straw rules out early election.

Law Society escapes fine from the Legal Services Complaints Commissioner by opting for a community service sentence instead. President forced to wear ‘Community Payback’ vest while sweeping up litter in Chancery Lane.

JulyJustice Select Committee publishes ‘Justice Reinvestment’ report recommending preventing crime from within the community rather than by building prisons. Government welcomes the report and announces plan to implement its findings fully by building a titan prison in every community.

AugustLaw Society practice note advises male solicitor advocates to grow their hair and dress more flamboyantly to compete better with barristers. ‘Key advocacy skills’ workshops help solicitors develop a booming voice, a taste in shirts with silly collars and to avoid blushing when billing clients £2,000 an hour.

Ministry of Justice finally sells its St Dunstan’s House premises. To JobCentre Plus.

With no sign of an end to the conflict in the Middle East, peace envoy Tony Blair takes a sabbatical to train as a chartered mediator.

SeptemberLiberty condemns plan to extend anti-discrimination laws to jokes about lawyers. Under the proposals, telling the one about the coachload of lawyers driving off a cliff would carry a fine of up to £10m.

Clause Four written back into the Labour constitution at the party conference. ‘As we now know, it never really went away,’ thunders David Cameron.

Conveyancers and estate agents team up to revive the moribund housing market by launching combined electronic conveyancing and social networking system on Facebook.

Election fever mounts.

October Clifford Chance announces plan to become the UK’s legal aid firm of choice.

ID cards introduced for UK citizens under the brand name Platinum Privilege Express. Card number 000000001 issued to Jacqui Smith. Who rules out an early election.

NovemberGeneral Election. Liberal Democrats take office as largest party in a hung Parliament. Prime Minister Nick Clegg announces £175bn economic revival package, based on invading the Isle of Man. ‘Move over Darling!’, quips Vince Cable as he parks his Prius outside 11 Downing Street.

DecemberGordon Brown adopted as prospective Labour MSP for Auchtermuchty South at the next Scottish parliamentary elections.

Election fever mounts.