Mother in law: Disputes and the drama triangle

I write this piece because the psychology of disputes fascinates me. People’s relationships fascinate me, and how all the tiny decisions and events that have had an impact on them over their lives makes them act in the present. More importantly, from a professional point of view, it informs how I go about trying to help my clients resolve their disputes. 

The drama triangle was first described by Stephen Karpman in the 1960s. It involves three roles in a destructive relationship: the perpetrator, the victim, and the rescuer. It is not necessarily the case that there are three people in the relationship, rather that the people move between roles.

I admit that I’ve always wanted to be a hero. I was the kid who stormed round my village until I found the men who had put a BNP leaflet through our door and confronted them about their views. In my dream version of this event, one of the men would have suddenly collapsed and I would have given him CPR and got a gold Blue Peter badge despite us being so politically opposed. Other kids think like this, right?

But I have come to the conclusion that the real heroes are the ones who get up at 6.30am every morning to make you a cup of tea because they know you struggle to get up without one (my husband). Or make better notes of all your life admin than you do so that they can remember to ask how your dog got on at the vets/how your new hair looks/how your child coped at the birthday party of the kid that is being mean to her (my friend Megan). Or video tape Neighbours every lunchtime for over a decade so your granddaughter doesn’t have to wait til 5.35 to watch it after school (my gran). Or just do anything for someone else regularly without making a big deal of it.

The 'rescuer', on the other hand, swoops in unbidden and tries to save the day, whether you want the day saved or not, and then gets annoyed when you aren’t appreciative. They then fall into the victim or martyr role, acting hard done by and as if you are the perpetrator/bad guy. You then become the rescuer by bending over backwards to put things right. Then, the whole thing starts again.

This is only one type of interplay in the Drama Triangle and I recommend 'How to Break Free of the Drama Triangle and Victim Consciousness' by the Weinholds for a thorough examination of these relationships. 

My work often involves siblings arguing and it will not surprise you to know - to paraphrase Philip Larkin - that it was probably their parents that…erm… caused their current issues. Countless times, before being aware of the Drama Triangle, I have said to clients 'but wouldn’t it be really dignified and annoy your sister more if you didn’t rise to it?' And that is the key to breaking free.

• Now that you are aware of the cycle, don’t feed it. If someone is acting the victim, don’t swoop in with a cape on.
• Communicate clearly what you would like from other people rather than waiting for them to use telepathy to understand what you are after. For example: 'I find it hard to look after Mum every day just because I am close by, do you think you could help a couple of times a week?'
• Don’t rescue others without their permission. In the above example, if Child A had been looking after Mum seven days a week and suddenly Child B tries to take over without an explanation, imagine how Child A would feel even if they wanted the help?
• Communicate clearly in general.
• Examine whether you are acting like a victim and work to stop that way of thinking - no more 'just my luck' mentality.

You know we say that we will be there 'in sickness and in health'? I am coming to the conclusion that being there in health is more important than being there in sickness. Strong, consistent relationships with good, regular, straightforward communication are the ones that will put us litigators out of business, and I’m all for it. And because we aren’t all about to be immediately free of the Drama Triangle, hopefully you will be able to use the above to help your clients reflect on their behaviours, negotiate better and not leave their disputes up to the unpredictability of the courts.

*Some facts and identities have been altered in the above article