Lawyers' letters straight from the heart

Obiter has received an unusually good joke e-mail doing the rounds in the City.

Someone who knows the big players very well has put together a letter-style guide, parodying the reputations of the great and good in a way that may not be all that comfortable to some.

We, of course, would not suggest that the letters are in any way accurate representations of the firms, but sadly space does not allow us to reproduce it all for others to judge.

But by way of example, this is the Slaughter and May letter: 'We are lawyers acting for British Spaz plc.

We are in receipt of a copy of a contract to which our respective clients are parties.

You appear to be in breach thereof and we invite your response.

We do not think your father would have acted in this way.

We knew him at college.'

And then there's Herbert Smith: 'British Spaz plc and us lot are in court with Mr Justice Lightman and we have an order in our hands and our counsel is about to give it large.

Now get a grip.

Our costs are 6 million and rising.

Your conduct is such that absent a timely response we will unleash the dogs of war on your client and phone the OSS [Office for the Supervision of Solicitors] about you.

Not your firm but you personally.

Yes you.

Look out of the window.

See? We are watching you.

Mind how you go.'

And then there's Ashurt Morris Crisp: 'British Spaz plc being clients of this firm being instructed by the aforementioned publicly listed company had via members of their executive board taken the step and/or steps as appropriate to see fit to instructing the firm of whom they are clients to correspond with the party to a contract.

The contract being an agreement entered into in a form provided by the same publicly listed company as previously alluded to within the confines of this paragraph for the provision and supply of various things.

We trust that the above is clear and look forward to receiving from you some form of written or even verbal response giving due consideration to the seriousness of the above.'

Others at the sharp end of the e-mail include Simmons & Simmons ('The partner handling the matter left to join McDermotts'), Olswang ('Thanks for the buzz of 03/06.

Contents noted.

After thinking out of and indeed around and about the box for five mins or so, I would propose as follows...') and Farrer & Co ('Dear Hugo, Really super to see you at Henrietta's DP last week.

Really really super evening.

Gosh.

I was sooooooo trashed by the end of it.

Do you remember playing piggy-back polo in her drawing room with Tom and Matt?').

Ouch.