Secret diary of a court usher (aged 571/2)

A district judge reveals some of the notes which were recently found on the back of a hearings list in a court somewhere in EnglandMondayOff to court for another week's bowing and scraping.

Take gown out of special dustbin (to ensure it is always in appropriate condition).

Pleased to note severe frost.Court best practice requires ushers to leave doors locked for extra hour on such mornings.

This ensures that litigants and advocates (especially barristers) are unable to talk properly, thus speeding up justice.Also check that all radiators in building (except that at usher's desk) turned off now until 1 May.

The window in the advocates' room has had no glass for two years now, so no need to open windows there.Ensure that no room has more than one light bulb, which must not exceed 40 watts.

Happy to see the strip light in the (only) conference room still flickering nicely.Building now ready for public.

Open doors to allow in the usual rag-bag of dossers, unkempt solicitors, toffee-nosed barristers, weeping wives and avenging husbands, loopy litigants and seekers after justice (ho ho!).Herd them into appropriate parts of building, making sure that all opponents are within striking distance of each other.

Within short space of time combined effect of all above will produce desirable outcome as per para 1 of Usher's Handbook of Best Practice.TuesdayContinue to marvel how (presumably) well educated solicitors can be unfailingly rude to ushers.

Apparently they go on special training courses.

Today's lot obviously came top of their class.They clearly think I am here to assist them, but my motto is 'ushers shall at all times behave with maximum politeness and give minimum assistance'.Always feign deafness when first spoken to.

Then deny any knowledge of the judge referred to.

Inform them that their case cannot be found on the list and tell them they must have the wrong day (or court).

This will take up time so that all other waiting parties, litigants and advocates are warming up nicely.Then go to judge and say that the parties are not quite ready, want time to talk, want to go to the toilet, etcetera, thus annoying judge.

This ensures appropriate atmosphere when all concerned finally meet.Today has the added attraction that we have 'mediators' (their word) whose sole purpose appears to be to speed up the divorce process.Am able to assist by making sure that complete strangers burst into mediation room at most sensitive moment, thus destroying all good work achieved so far.

Anguished cries are particularly rewarding.Find barristers especially supportive; they pretend to be sympathetic to clients but when in 'robing room' (fancy name for old cupboard) they say what they really think.

Fortunately walls are thin, so by leaving doors open I can ensure that clients hear.Our court is particularly well laid out; there is only one so-called 'conference room' (another old cupboard) so all parties have to meet and talk in small hallway.Have in past arranged for litigant (here for compensation claim) to get divorced and for couple hoping to complete adoption to be made bankrupt.Today I hope to succeed in getting a particularly annoying barrister committed for failing to attend for oral examination.WednesdayNew circuit judge arriving, so it is necessary to make sure he knows who's in charge.

Assist him in parking his car in the special CJ space.This will ensure that he will be quite unable to get out at the end of the day, after I have left (except of course that all CJ's, having arrived at 10.29am, have usually left at 1.01pm).This CJ is still not accustomed to wearing poncey robes, so I can make sure that when he bows to the other poncey barristers his wig will fall off and his gown will come undone; with a bit of luck he won't have a clean vest on.Give him really cold cup of coffee and make sure his chair in the courtroom is adjusted as low as possible, so that when this (short) CJ sits down only the top of his wig will be visible.Am required to: sit in with judge; to get the parties in before him (making sure that only some are there and that rest come in just after case starts); switch tape recorder off as soon as case starts so as to make great noise, turn it on half way through, and rewind loudly when very softly spoken and drippy wife is giving evidence; shout loudly for silence every time judge starts to speak and drop books on floor.When judge withdraws arrange for him to trip on step.

Pretend not to hear judge when he tries to attract my attention so he has to stop evidence, cutting effective cross-examination off in mid flow.

Pick up phone and speak loudly to office.When administering the oath, I can cause much offence by offering witness Civil Court Practice instead of Bible.

At end of day I can make sure I am not in court when judge rises and cannot get out of (now locked) court room, to giggling delight of parties.

ThursdaySummoned by court manager to explain why CJ had a real go at her yesterday because he couldn't get his car out and was laughing stock in court.Pretend to be impressed by being in her presence.

Pleased to note that her lipstick is (as usual) not straight and that one of her eyelashes has come unstuck.

She is not aware that she is known universally as yo-yo briefs.

Say 'yes ma'am, no ma'am' the regulation six times.

Explain patiently that new CJ was plainly overwhelmed by his new status and has obviously not yet come to terms with the enormous power and respect which he has.Court manager mollified.

Bow out and go away to place recently acquired rude noise-making cushion on CJ's chair.

Look forward to what will follow my announcing 'silence in court'.A certain amount of time has to be spent getting revenge on snotty staff who treat self as lowest form of life.

Various ways of achieving this.

Can put all clocks forward by two hours so all staff go home early, thus enraging court manager.

When instructed by staff to do filing (activity designed to fill allegedly long gaps in usher's day), all ushers welcome opportunity to screw up inner workings of legal system.Secret is not to lose files, but to reconstruct them out of different parts.

This has double advantage of putting staff into panic mode and annoying judiciary.FridayIt is necessary to ensure that all those uppity but useless district judges will not be smugly smiling quite so much when the files they think are in pristine condition are not, and also have cunningly placed staples.DJs have use of tannoy system.

Am therefore able to arrange that it is left 'accidentally' switched on, and encourage DJ to express his opinion of last lot of barristers, solicitors and parties.DJ does not let me down, using language I have not heard for some time.

His views resound gratifyingly all round building, including in court manager's room.

She has been gunning for DJ for some time, so this should give her ammunition.Also spread malicious gossip about a certain deputy DJ concerning his clothes, unjudicial attitude to punters and inability to express himself clearly, which should result in his not sitting again.

That'll teach him to address me as 'Oi you' instead of by my official title of 'Mr Usher'.Carefully pour small bottle of (cheap) vodka into court manager's privately kept orange juice, ensuring that she drinks it before she drives home.

With bit of luck will not see her again after licence taken away.POETS day for judiciary - they think.

In fact I have been round our local council estate making sure that all the wives and mothers are now knocking on their solicitors' doors to arrange for urgent injunction applications to be issued at 4.00pm...The district judge wishes to make it abundantly clear to any usher who may accidentally read this that none of this in any way relates to him or her