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Here is the specimen letter

Deer Mr/Mrs/Ms (best use all three)

We is very sorry that you have been murdered and ask that you pass this letter to your next of kind. If you have not been murdered, then we are very sorry that you have been manslaghted (is this correct?) raped, stabbed, burgled or whistled at.

Although the CCTV shows your assailant clearly (legal note - don't use such terms until a finding of guilt) and you were able to name the person because it was your next door neighboor. (Can't the budget run too a spelling chequer?) we have to tell your that owing to budgetery restraints (I've seen that enough to be able to spell it unaided!!!) the police were too/two (help needed pls) busy investigating non crimes that night for any action too be taken.

(Empathy cut and paste here)
We have formed a support group for you and will help you to set up a Facebook page with helpful advise on treating gunshot wounds without needing to bother an overstretched NHS service (cut and paste some examples of Tory austerity)

Our thoughes are with you and we wish you a speedy recovery.

Yoors sincerely