Obiter has received a master class in courtly language and the real meanings behind the polite euphemisms employed by barristers and judges. Outer Temple Chambers' silky-smooth and exquisitely polite Michael Bowes QC, speaking after dinner at the Western Circuit's recent Grand Night bash, explained the difference between what is said in court and what is actually going through the mind of the speaker, translating the following examples:


Barristers

I am much obliged: That is most unhelpful

My learned friend: Whose ignorance is matched only by his verbosity

It is a matter of regret: Not at all sorry, but regret being caught out

I am astonished: I am really stuck for something to say

That is outrageous: Cracking point; wish I had thought of it

I am appalled: Still can't think of anything to say



Judges to barristers

Thank you for your helpful submission: Complete rubbish

I have your point: Enough!

I'll rise now: I can't stand it anymore

You can raise it another place: Appeal me if you dare

Society demands that I impose the maximum sentence for this offence: Daily Mail top judge moment coming up

I have considered your submissions most carefully: Haven't listened to a word
Your counsel has said everything that could possibly be said on your behalf: Major smacking coming up



In the Court of Appeal

Your Lordship has the point: If you don't understand it now, you never will

I'll come back to that: No, I won't

That is a most helpful intervention: I'm completely stumped

If I develop the argument: At least give me a go, or pin back your ears and be quiet

Your Lordship will remember from practice: I need some help on this one