Mother in Law: Email icks

It’s been a while since I wrote about things that give me the 'ick' in communicating with other lawyers, and I have some new ones: 

1. People who won’t use the phone.
   
   In my experience these people are either 20 years older than me and far too busy or important to take my call, or 20 years younger than me and scared that I might tie them in knots.
   
   Mate. You are a lawyer and you are scared of what I might get you to say on the phone? The two-way dialogue can achieve so much in a few minutes. It can also add depth and understanding that you don’t get from an email.
   
   For example, recently I thought a lawyer was obstructing the resolution of a matter, but within five minutes on the phone I was able to deduce that it was her client, not her, and we were able to work out a plan together to get things over the line.
   
   That was after months of stroppy emails.
   
   
2. People who, after a long phone call, say 'OK, thanks, can you put that in an email and I will take my client’s instructions'.
   
   This makes me furious. You make a note of the call, you relay the call to your client and take their instructions. Presumably these people want to be in a position where they can just click 'forward' and should consider whether they actually want careers as postmen.
   
   
3. People who end emails with 'KR'.
   
   
4. People who end emails with 'Best'.
   
   
5. People who end emails with 'Rgds'.
   
   I think the Venn diagram of these people, and the people who are too busy and important to speak to me on the phone, is a circle. How better to show me that you are too busy for me, than not to put in the effort to type 'ind egards' / 'All the' / 'e ar'? I have a word to describe these types but I know the Gazette won’t print it.

6. The growing trend of addressing an email to two people with a comma between their names, rather than an 'and'.
   
   For example, 'Dear Lisa, Anna,'. What’s that about? It sounds like a dramatic pause in a poem. I always imagine the writer is wearing a big chunky scarf on a windy beach and staring off into the distance, maybe waiting for a third person to come along so they can use an 'and' to finish the phrase properly. Icky.
   
   
7. People who, when writing on behalf of a firm, express their firm’s 'disappointment' or what their firm 'feels' generally.
   
   Firms don’t have feelings. Your clients might, but your firm doesn’t, and shouldn’t.
   
   
8. Starting an email with anything other than 'Hi [name]' or 'Dear [name]'.
   
   If you are on very informal terms with me I will allow a 'Morning' but never a 'Good Morning' which, to me, sounds like the start of an email from a Nigerian prince looking to transfer a large amount of money to me.
   
   
9. Bad spelling, punctuation and grammar.
   
   My kids and their friends, despite knowing better, only use one spelling of 'your' in their texts. (I refuse to respond to such texts.) On the other hand, you're a lawyer. And these aren’t texts. Get it right.
   
   
10. My final one is controversial, but since my (very traditional) senior partner told me off when I was a trainee, I have never used a split infinitive.
    
    The point, as I always say, is to think about who you are writing to, and how they will receive your words. I think, on the whole, you should write as if you are addressing a senior partner. In fact, reading this back and feeling about 50% right and 50% dinosaur, maybe just assume you are addressing me.