‘What was it Wilfrid Fordham said about speeches in mitigation?’ Marwood remarked to his friend Ellis as the bench retired for coffee and consideration after a lengthy and boring address. ‘Something about they don’t get any better the longer they go on,’ replied Ellis. ‘I often think of that Victorian judge who reminded a barrister he had said the same thing much earlier in his speech: “I’m sorry, my Lord”. “Do not trouble yourself unduly. It was a long time ago”.’
On the day in question, it was clear the cases were unlikely to be heard before lunch. ‘Something really ought to be done,’ said Marwood. ‘All these cases now to be heard by the magistrates. They’ll never get through them.’
‘That’s the trouble with lays,’ agreed Ellis. ‘You’ve no idea what they’re thinking, so you can’t stop.’
It was over lunch that Marwood plotted the solution. ‘All done by computers,’ he said triumphantly. ‘A sort of triage points score. GBAH (Good boy at home). Saves mother being called. That gets a point. Girlfriend pregnant, getting married. That’s three points.’ ‘Girlfriend not pregnant, getting married?’ suggested Ellis. ‘No points,’ said Marwood, ‘that’s just swank.’
‘Got a job next Monday, five points; woman, immigrant, young adult. Ten points.’
‘Middle class, middle-aged?,’ suggested Ellis. ‘Should know better – minus five,’ said Marwood.
‘On benefits? Shows intelligence. Definitely points for that. You see how it works. Put them all on a machine and press the button or even appear and you say, 4, 7, 11, or hand in a piece of paper and if they all add up to, say, 21, then no prison – which is all the clients care about anyway.’
‘And if the attitude to offences changes, so that football violence is worse than a night-time domestic burglary of an old lady, then just change the points on offer.’
‘It would certainly take the element of chance out of things,’ said Ellis.
‘They’re calling our case,’ said Marwood.
James Morton is a writer and former criminal defence solicitor
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