What hurts children the most is feeling they have to pick a side, the children’s commissioner tells parents in a letter that family lawyers are encouraged to send to their clients as part of a wider ‘problem-solving’ approach to separation recommended by the Family Solutions Group.

Sending the Children's Commissioner's letter to parents is among recommendations made by the family law body in a new report, following a survey of almost 550 family professionals and parents. The survey found that nine in 10 respondents believe family lawyers should have a duty to the children as well as to their client - as well as a duty to mitigate conflict between the parents.

The report, Putting Children First, which will be discussed at an event hosted by London firm Kingsley Napley this evening, was written by Charlotte Bradley, senior consultant at Kingsley Napley, and Edward Cooke, managing director of Edward Cooke Family Law.

Bradley said family lawyers have long been expected to conduct their cases in a way that minimises conflict but ‘the nature of the traditional adversarial system has sometimes worked against this’.

The report sets out a blueprint for how family lawyers can better support families through separation, which includes sending parents the new letter from the Children’s Commissioner, Rachel de Souza.

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The commissioner explains in the letter than court action might be necessary for some families but keeping the impact on the child front and centre to the process will remain crucial.

‘In cases where it is safe not to involve the court, I urge you to consider other routes to resolve issues. Practitioners working with children report that when children feel parents are “fighting for them”, they feel caught in the middle, or even responsible for the conflict. This can, unintentionally, create ruptures in relationships and affect wellbeing that lasts far beyond the legal process,’ the commissioner's letter states.

Other recommendations in today's report include the establishment of a commissioner for separated families and training on a wide range of issues such as how to deal with challenging clients, use of language and meaningful child consultation.