LiP service and monkey business

The maxim instilled into me by the outdoor clerk where I was first articled – ‘litigants in person should be avoided at all costs’ – seems to have been borne out by the recent decision prohibiting one from visiting a law firm’s Birmingham offices. Jaggard the clerk had found me talking to one of those characters who frequented the Bear Garden at the Royal Courts of Justice carrying bundles of papers as they tried to avoid having claims struck out perfunctorily. 

I had several dealings with LiPs, few of which seemed to work in my favour.

I was approached at the local magistrates’ court by an organ grinder and his monkey. I gave him a card and said I was sure someone could help. I returned to the office deep into the afternoon to find turmoil. While being shown into Simpson’s office, the monkey panicked, escaped and, swinging from the fake chandelier, defecated on a desk. It then bit the managing clerk summoned to capture him. I adopted a low profile for a few days.

My own practice was near the Law Society in Chancery Lane and several LiPs turned up, always without appointments. One was something of a success. An African gentleman wanted permission for his wife to come to the UK. After we exchanged a few letters the Home Office agreed. The client was to pay a few shillings a week in settlement of my modest bill. He did, until one day I received a letter. His wife had given birth and the child was to be named after me. The payments ceased. I presume he had remitted my fees as a naming gift.

At the other end of the spectrum came an inordinate number of people who wanted me to sue HM Land Registry for implanting transmitters in their brains. One called shortly after I’d had a dispute with a Society Council member and, maliciously, I told the LiP he would do better seeing this more influential individual. A few hours later I repented and rang the member’s firm to say I might have inadvertently mentioned their name. ‘He’s here now,’ said the telephonist. ‘He’s taken his trousers off and threatened to set fire to the office. We’ve called the police.’